For sado-masochistic
tendencies, please press
one. For problems with
your mother, please press
two. If you have suicidal
thoughts or imaginary
friends, please press three.
If all of the above, please
hang up now and find
a guru.

If you cannot find a guru,
write a book. If you are
mentally unable to do
this task which is on
your bucket list, make
a sandwich. If you cannot
afford a sandwich,

find a man who will
do all of these things
for you. Or a woman.
If you're disatisfied with
your personal life
and want to meet new
people, feel free to start
a religion.

Call it Vicodinism,
after your most beloved
hobby. If you're there,
please press five. I
know I am.