WALTER- PTSD 'Nam viet maniac, see BIG LEBOWSKI
SUPER- superintendent
PHU DEE- fat writer muthafucka
STAGE.
We begin at an apartment. Salty, empty Little Caesar's boxes, garbage, etc.
PHU DEE is dead, staring up, tongue hanging out of his mouth.
NARRATOR and SUPER look at him.
SUPER: I'm sorry. He's dead.
STAGE.
NARRATOR is on telephone with WALTER.
NARRATOR: Phu Dee, man.
WALTER: That sucks. I'm sorry to hear that, Dude.
NARRATOR: Yeah, no you're not, Walter. Can you at least drive me somewhere scenic. Red Rock. I got his ashes here and I wanna spread them.
WALTER: Dude, I can't.
NARRATOR: Why not, Walter.
WALTER: It's the Sabbath. I'm not even supposed to be on the phone!
NARRATOR: Oh, fuck you, Walter! The Sabbath? You're not even Jewish!
WALTER: Dude, why you gotta disrespect me here? I'm not even supposed to be on the phone unless it's an emergency.
NARRATOR: Goddammit, Walter. It's Phu Dee. (pause.) Look, the man upstairs, God of the Israelites, fucking YHWH, He would understand. Funeral rites, they need to be respected.
WALTER, after a pause: Let me consult my rabbi. Hold--
NARRATOR: Walter!
WALTER: Alright! Alright! I was just playing. Be there in twenty.
NARRATOR: Yeah, fuck you Walter.
We begin at an apartment. Salty, empty Little Caesar's boxes, garbage, etc.
PHU DEE is dead, staring up, tongue hanging out of his mouth.
NARRATOR and SUPER look at him.
SUPER: I'm sorry. He's dead.
STAGE.
NARRATOR is on telephone with WALTER.
NARRATOR: Phu Dee, man.
WALTER: That sucks. I'm sorry to hear that, Dude.
NARRATOR: Yeah, no you're not, Walter. Can you at least drive me somewhere scenic. Red Rock. I got his ashes here and I wanna spread them.
WALTER: Dude, I can't.
NARRATOR: Why not, Walter.
WALTER: It's the Sabbath. I'm not even supposed to be on the phone!
NARRATOR: Oh, fuck you, Walter! The Sabbath? You're not even Jewish!
WALTER: Dude, why you gotta disrespect me here? I'm not even supposed to be on the phone unless it's an emergency.
NARRATOR: Goddammit, Walter. It's Phu Dee. (pause.) Look, the man upstairs, God of the Israelites, fucking YHWH, He would understand. Funeral rites, they need to be respected.
WALTER, after a pause: Let me consult my rabbi. Hold--
NARRATOR: Walter!
WALTER: Alright! Alright! I was just playing. Be there in twenty.
NARRATOR: Yeah, fuck you Walter.
STAGE:
NARRATOR climbs into WALTER'S "truck" (or seats or whatever) carrying a Folgers can.
NARRATOR: Walter, dude, put that out.
WALTER: Where's the urn, Dude?
NARRATOR: Put that out, Walter, for God's sake!
WALTER: How dare you take the Lord's name--
NARRATOR: Walter, this (he holds out coffee can) is the urn.
WALTER (laughing): No, that's not the urn, Dude. Where's the urn?
NARRATOR: Walter, I couldn't afford the urn. And will you please put that out. We're trying to be respectful here.
WALTER: Whatever you say, Dude, it's not like this is my fucking car that you're in ON THE LORD'S DAY OF REST!
NARRATOR: Walter, please calm down.
WALTER: Seriously though, Dude? You think Red Rock is the best place to spread his ashes? Why not in front of a Burger King?
NARRATOR: You think Phu Dee would enjoy that, Walter?
WALTER: I think he'd love it.
NARRATOR: One problem, Walter. We'd be spreading someone's remains in front of a restaurant. Where people eat, Walter.”
NARRATOR climbs into WALTER'S "truck" (or seats or whatever) carrying a Folgers can.
NARRATOR: Walter, dude, put that out.
WALTER: Where's the urn, Dude?
NARRATOR: Put that out, Walter, for God's sake!
WALTER: How dare you take the Lord's name--
NARRATOR: Walter, this (he holds out coffee can) is the urn.
WALTER (laughing): No, that's not the urn, Dude. Where's the urn?
NARRATOR: Walter, I couldn't afford the urn. And will you please put that out. We're trying to be respectful here.
WALTER: Whatever you say, Dude, it's not like this is my fucking car that you're in ON THE LORD'S DAY OF REST!
NARRATOR: Walter, please calm down.
WALTER: Seriously though, Dude? You think Red Rock is the best place to spread his ashes? Why not in front of a Burger King?
NARRATOR: You think Phu Dee would enjoy that, Walter?
WALTER: I think he'd love it.
NARRATOR: One problem, Walter. We'd be spreading someone's remains in front of a restaurant. Where people eat, Walter.”
WALTER: I don't care! People are pigs anyway, fuckin' swine.
NARRATOR: We'd get put in jail for that Walter. Besides, Phu Dee.
WALTER: Phu Dee was a morbidly obese Filipino warthog, Dude. You know it, I know--
NARRATOR: Ok that's enough, Walter. I'm getting out.
WALTER: Wait, what? Dude!
NARRATOR: Fuck you, Walter.
NARRATOR: We'd get put in jail for that Walter. Besides, Phu Dee.
WALTER: Phu Dee was a morbidly obese Filipino warthog, Dude. You know it, I know--
NARRATOR: Ok that's enough, Walter. I'm getting out.
WALTER: Wait, what? Dude!
NARRATOR: Fuck you, Walter.
WALTER: Dude, I didn't mean it. Let's go to Red Rock like the plan.
NARRATOR: Like the fucking plan?
WALTER: Like the fucking plan.
NARRATOR: You're the worst fucking friend Walter.
NARRATOR: Like the fucking plan?
WALTER: Like the fucking plan.
NARRATOR: You're the worst fucking friend Walter.
STAGE:
WALTER, NARRATOR, Folger's can, on a "cliff."
WALTER (licking his fingers): The wind's blowing that way, Dude.
Narrator dumps ashes.
WALTER: Fuck, Dude, let's go get some food.
NARRATOR: Walter, give me a minute.
WALTER: OK, Dude, well I'm gonna take a piss.
NARRATOR: That's nice, asshole.
Beat. Another beat. NARRATOR starts to sob. He puts his hands in his pockets and feels something that wasn't there before. A note.
NARRATOR: "And now I see learning like heavy clouds wide spread above you, rich with the promise of life-giving water, their deep shadows foretelling imminent rain and your hopes high for it. Seek, then, the rain which is in these clouds and wait patiently to see where it will fall. And make your plea to God who brings on the rain, who spreads wide the clouds, who removes famine, who gives freedom to the bound.“And know that God gives life to the dead desert places by a drop of her merciful rain which he causes to fall upon them. Seek out these places which require and receive the life-giving rain and you, too, will be well watered. For surely the first light showers from these clouds will cure your ills and the steady rain which follows will wash away from your innermost being the leaning towards the things of this world. When this rain pours on your body it will wash away from you all your spiritual afflictions and when you taste it its exquisite flavor will kill all passion within your soul.” WALTER (coming in to hear part of it--): Phu Dee was a writer, Dude. You knew that.
NARRATOR: I didn't know he was religious. We failed him, Walter.
WALTER: Dude, you didn't fail him.
WALTER, NARRATOR, Folger's can, on a "cliff."
WALTER (licking his fingers): The wind's blowing that way, Dude.
Narrator dumps ashes.
WALTER: Fuck, Dude, let's go get some food.
NARRATOR: Walter, give me a minute.
WALTER: OK, Dude, well I'm gonna take a piss.
NARRATOR: That's nice, asshole.
Beat. Another beat. NARRATOR starts to sob. He puts his hands in his pockets and feels something that wasn't there before. A note.
NARRATOR: "And now I see learning like heavy clouds wide spread above you, rich with the promise of life-giving water, their deep shadows foretelling imminent rain and your hopes high for it. Seek, then, the rain which is in these clouds and wait patiently to see where it will fall. And make your plea to God who brings on the rain, who spreads wide the clouds, who removes famine, who gives freedom to the bound.“And know that God gives life to the dead desert places by a drop of her merciful rain which he causes to fall upon them. Seek out these places which require and receive the life-giving rain and you, too, will be well watered. For surely the first light showers from these clouds will cure your ills and the steady rain which follows will wash away from your innermost being the leaning towards the things of this world. When this rain pours on your body it will wash away from you all your spiritual afflictions and when you taste it its exquisite flavor will kill all passion within your soul.” WALTER (coming in to hear part of it--): Phu Dee was a writer, Dude. You knew that.
NARRATOR: I didn't know he was religious. We failed him, Walter.
WALTER: Dude, you didn't fail him.
NARRATOR: Thank you, Walter.
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